Lack of Transparency
Interestingly enough, this word has come up for me several times recently. It’s not normally a word or a concept that I spend much time pondering… and yet, the idea of transparency as a personal trait/characteristic has been on my mind quite a bit lately.
Why am I pondering Transparency?
Last night, a dear friend asked me to share my opinion regarding a personal matter, and when I tapped in to the energy of her situation, I literally kept seeing the phrase ‘lack of transparency’ scrolling across the marquee screen of my third eye. (I wish ALL my intuitive messages were so clearly delivered!)
I have to be honest, some of this recognition and comprehension is new for me – I have no prior fixation on the concept of transparency. I can only admit that in the past few weeks, I’ve been challenging myself to embrace being in the ‘flow’, allowing information to come to me and through me without being attached to where it comes from, or who is giving it to me, or even what I’m supposed to be doing with it.
Just today, I had multiple opportunities to ‘tap in’ to a higher knowing, and just let the response flow out of me without an attachment to the composition, or to the information, or to the outcome. I simply (I describe it simply because it’s really about my intention to just merge and feel than it is about any specific technique) check in to the energy of it, and then calm my mind to articulate what I feel/see/experience.
So, when I tapped into my friend’s situation, I received information via a scrolling marquee with words, a physical response that felt like my heart chakra would beat right out of my chest in the midst of a flurry of scattered emotions, and a surging of emotion that brought me to tears.
This really only makes sense to me in two scenarios: 1) I’m empathically feeling the emotion involved in the situation and/or 2) It’s a trigger for me. Oh, and perhaps 3) A combination of the two.
Let’s discuss these scenarios. First off, yes, it’s true, I’m an Empath… which hasn’t historically been very easy for me. I was either super antsy all the time because I could feel everything, or I was numb so I wasn’t feeling anything. Finding a balance in the middle, where I am more sure of what emotions actually belong to me, has been quite a journey. I’m doing much better now than I ever have, and am learning to interpret the information that is inherent when I feel what others feel.
Because I could feel the emotion encompassing this particular situation, I recognized a lack of transparency from both parties involved. I also picked up on the associated drama due to everything that still remains hidden and unknown. And I will admit, it actually hurt my feelings for a few moments. That is, until I realized that this wasn’t actually MY deal, not my situation, not my emotion.
In an attempt to ‘let go’ of the intense activity rolling around in my heart chakra, I paused to get grounded and centered. I also came to understand that my own crap was triggered when I tapped into this situation. And what do you do when issues that you thought you had cleared come bubbling up again, this time from a deeper place? Well, I’ll tell you what I do. I hop in the shower and bawl my eyes out as a method of releasing the emotion. It doesn’t have to make sense, it just feels like the right thing for me to do. I envision the emotion being washed out of my body and right down the drain.
I also did some Ho’oponopono work, as forgiveness is such a key step in ‘letting go’.
Once I had released this emotion, I was able to think more clearly about why I was having such a strong reaction. Logically, it makes no sense for me to feel so intensely about a situation in which I have no attachment to the outcome. Yet, there I sat, triggered to the point of bawling in the shower.
I realized that my personal upset with the situation was coincidentally the ‘lack of transparency’ and I began to contemplate how often, we, as humans, prefer to hide, rather than reveal the true nature of our selves.
Why do we Hide?
We rarely reveal the intimate parts of ourselves to another soul, and why not? Are we afraid of their judgment? Doesn’t this really indicate we are judging our selves before anyone else even has the chance? It is easy to hide, to preserve our vulnerability, to avoid perceived judgment and criticism. Why do we hide the curiosities that wander through our brains? Why should anyone else be sitting in a position to judge us for the questions we have about life? Why don’t we feel free and brave enough to express our innermost feelings, fears, and desires?
Too often we are caught up in self-doubt, loathing, insecurity, and worried about ‘what the others will think’. We fear that if we share too much, and it’s too far out of the mainstream normal, then we’ll be labeled as ‘crazy’, ‘mad’, ‘psychotic’, ‘mental’, ‘depressed’, etc. We are taught from childhood that if we have any struggles, we ought to take them to a higher power who can convene on our behalf, or maybe we’ll just get diagnosed with some condition so we can be medicated. This isn’t transparency – this is masking who we really are…
When we start hiding the truth of what we think, how we feel, what we struggle with, our weaknesses, insecurities, shortcomings, imperfections, and put on a facade, what we are really doing is creating more hiding places. When we hide, we must create a shield, or a wall to hide behind, and with every wall, essentially, another hiding place is created. Once you start hiding, it gets easier and easier to hide from others, and what is even more damaging – it gets easier to hide from yourself!
I’m done hiding!
I acknowledged how I really felt by crawling in the shower to cry it out. It no longer makes sense to me to pretend that something doesn’t bother me, to swallow it or stuff it back down. Experience has proven that when we do this, whatever the original issue was will come back with a vengeance, and possibly reveal itself as a health issue to draw our attention to the fact that we never released that emotion. When we stuff our emotions, they have to go somewhere to hide – and then we can blissfully pretend like we aren’t aware they are hiding in there. Again, we are really hiding from our Selves.
Being transparent means that we don’t hide these traumas anymore. We boldly face them, acknowledge them, process, and then let it all go.
Transparency is a component of authenticity – where a commitment to integrity compels you to reveal your most protected aspects of your Self because you choose to be seen for exactly who you are. This takes courage!
I’m recognizing how the ‘lack of transparency’ in my own life has caused me some unnecessary hiccups along the way. Sigh. At least I’m learning now, so that I can make mid-game adjustments. Fortunately, my greatest treasure in life has been the discovery that I can be seen and unconditionally loved for who I really am.
All of this pondering has got me thinking about how to apply these new insights (and slight variations on an old theme) to my own circumstances. I am committing to making Transparency a priority in my own life – to be as crystal clear as I dare to be on a daily basis. I can’t promise I will be 100% capable of putting it all out there, and I don’t actually expect perfection from myself. . . just the awareness and a concerted effort is enough for me, as I’m building up my courage.
What about You?
Imagine how your life would transform if you began to value Transparency on a daily basis. Every relationship would shift, as would the persona you reveal to the public. And most importantly, I’m guessing, your own relationship with your Self would change. I’ll be observing the shifts that occur in my life, and I’ll come back and report.